An Introduction Endeavor

(now including an extended metaphor that might not totally work)

I’m staring at this particular blank page and trying to recall any interesting thought I may have ever had to begin to fill it up.  But then, my mind wanders and my original intentions become sort of hazy. The pressure both initiated & perpetuated by my insecurities or indecision have consistently moved me from action to inaction and it finally seemed time to move out of the back & forth that kept me in the same well-worn spot.

Basically, I know that I’ve wanted to start something. Create something. Do more.  I have actually for a while.  I was putting things off because it didn’t seem like I had the time or I didn’t have a focus or I didn’t have anything that was distinguishing or special. Really, I’m just nervous & scared of putting myself out there. The same doubts fill my head - What if people think I’m silly or stupid? What if I say something and then change my mind? What if I’m too much of something or what if I’m not enough of something else?

But out of all this, I decided that even that failure seemed more exciting than just not trying. So, while I’m still not sure what it exactly means to start this – I have.  (And the hardest part is over because I’ve just written three paragraphs.  Boom.)

I tell myself that not all great things, or even good things, always begin that way. I’m sure I’ll look back on this post and be embarrassed about what I said (or how I said it), a formatting error I made (or picture I shared) or maybe, in the end, I’ll see that things just didn’t work out the way I thought they would. But the idea of just doing something is sort of liberating.

So, I’m likening this to running a mile. At first, it’s really difficult and strenuous because you’re out of shape and your shoes are kind of old (or never been used) and you’re not sure if everyone can tell how heavy you’re breathing or if in this light, people can see how much you're already sweating.  And the conditions are rough. Like why is it so cold/windy/sunny/humid outside? Did I just feel a rain drop? And then you feel self-conscious because you're out here all alone and maybe the people sitting on their porch can hear how loudly you're listening to One Direction. And yeah, they're probably judging you because you're thirty and One Direction isn't even a band anymore. Then you trip over your own feet while suddenly these athletic people appear and effortlessly run past your slow moving, uncoordinated body.  And you find yourself asking over and over again, "Why would I ever attempt this?" Or really asking - "Why would I ever attempt this in public?"

Anyway, it’s basically the toughest 15 minutes ever. (What? I’m not training for the Olympics here! I'm just trying to validate owning all these leggings! Geesh.)  And writing a blog post takes longer than 15 minutes! It’s like hours of second guessing, but probably the same amount of nervous sweating.

But then it gets a little easier… (or so I’ve heard).  You feel better and more confident with each attempt. Just because you haven't been doing this for years, doesn't mean that you're too far behind to start. So instead of thinking about how much you might feel like stopping and laying across someone else’s lawn (in both the running scenario and this blog writing one), you remember how it feels hitting each little milestone and you feel good. At some point, it then becomes a habit. Things are more natural and less forced. In the end, you feel like you’ve accomplished something bigger, even if it’s just deciding to get outside (your comfort zone) once and while. 

So, let me warm up, stretch out and practice a bit. It’ll get better (fingers crossed!) and hopefully I’ll figure out where I’m going.