Some Good Things that Come with Age

Thirty, flirty and fine (mostly).

Turning 30. Yep. It happened. (though maybe it didn’t, depending on when you ask me). While this benchmark birthday actually happened last year - as 31 approached, I found myself reflecting on the year before.

Generally, I’m pretty excited about my birthday. I'd say this is due to my love of cake and presents. Somehow at 30, it felt strange because I was stressed out and feeling kind of blah...and I couldn’t give you a tangible reason why. Even the thought of cake didn't really cheer me up. I just was less excited about entering a new decade when I felt like I hadn't really figured out the last one.

Looking back, it was this confusion that left me wondering why thirty was so much different than twenty nine. For some reason the number thirty made me feel like, “Okay – you need to have your shit together (and maybe stop swearing so much....) and have something to show for it.” In some ways, I felt like I didn’t have these things to show for it. Like I hadn’t accomplished as much as I would have liked to. So I began to reflect on this feeling. What was making me feel dissatisfied? What did I really want to accomplish?

When looking at my life, I know I am very fortunate. My husband rocks. My kid is adorable and healthy. The people in my life are genuine, thoughtful and caring souls who really make my life better by just being themselves.

Beyond this, I would say that I have been able to experience what people might categorize as milestone moments. I've graduated high school, went onto college and then out into the world. I've made mistakes. I've made new friends and lost touch with some of my old friends. I've studied abroad and have moved across the country (and then come back home again). I've gotten married, bought a house and had a baby. I can acknowledge that I have experienced some incredible blessings. (I know, so annoying.) But there were difficult times mixed in there too. Times where I felt jealous, stressed, sad or angry about work, money, relationships - About things I both could and couldn't control.

At some point last year, I felt like I needed to remind myself that not every issue has a clear cut solution and though I may want to be, I am not the solver of everyone's problems. Or even someone who needs to provide advice, as much as I may feel like I have to. People need to own their problems and solutions as much as I need to do this for myself. (It’s hard not to get over involved when you care. Plus, I think I have a slightly anxious tendency to overthink things, even when they might have little to do with me or are very menial details that no one else probably thinks about). So, these realizations were potentially part of the blah that I'd been feeling, but they were also a step toward shaking the feeling off. I just wanted to live out some existence without problems or awkwardness or tension or anything that's difficult. Was that too much to ask? ( Don't worry - it's a rhetorical question.)

In addition to this, I also began to feel like I should have achieved a better sense of direction. A better grasp on what would be coming next. Had I set myself up for failure by not doing more (or being more) in my twenties? I guess it comes from some expectation not rooted in any reality exactly. I fluctuate between being completely satisfied and then find ways to be dissatisfied with how some things turned out.

For example, I currently work in a field that has nothing to do with my college degree. So, while I like my job, it’s also disorienting and difficult to see what the future holds. What should I have already done or do I need to do to "catch up" to everyone else? Is this the right fit long term? If not, where do I go from here?

Or I feel like I should have traveled more. I’ve been some places, but there are still so many to go. And as life becomes more complicated (or shared) , finding the time (and money) to get away can be daunting.

Or I should have used my (previously more) disposable income on saving/401ks/paying off student loans, but I didn’t and maybe that's why living paycheck to paycheck seems much more ordinary than it should be.

Or maybe I wouldn't have cared as much as what people thought. Sometimes I think about how I acted when I was younger and I feel so embarrassed and ridiculous. Why had I been (or why I am still, to some degree) so concerned with appearing a certain way or having certain things? And why was my self-esteem so fragile throughout much of my teens and early twenties, where one comment might cause hours of worry and speculation? Had this prevented me from taking chances or finding new opportunities?

While regret is a pretty strong term for these musings, its probably more accurate to say that I just wonder if things would have been different. And maybe they would. But, so what? Here I am now - in this particular spot - looking to move forward and define my own path. I think its good to look back now and again, but the past is unchangeable. Why not try to enjoy where you are now and work to have an impact on what is coming?

So, let's get back to where this started – Why 30? What is so significant about it? Where have I been? Where am I going? How do I define the seemingly multiple pieces of my identity as a whole? What is the meaning of life? (Okay, maybe we'll just calm down a bit here...)

To me, thirty is the point (or around the point) where you're old enough to have actual experience out in the world to shape your opinions and aspirations while still having some flexibility on what is coming next.

So, instead of focusing on what I haven’t done (yet…) or asking too many big questions, I decided to figure out what made me feel best about being 30, or more recently 31. And I'll be honest, these things (even the small ones) really do make me feel like I've come a long way.

Anyway, here are my top 10 - in no particular order.

1. I take care of another human being. Is everything perfect? No. Are things still pretty good amidst the general chaos? You betcha. And while my kiddo can be kind of crazy at times, he is just super amazing and adorable. I'm basically obsessed. Aside from this - I've had the experience of being pregnant, going through labor & giving birth. I still can't really believe it sometimes. I am so lucky to have had a healthy family along the way. At the end of the day, there hasn't been a more defining, exciting, disorienting, fulfilling, emotional process than being a parent. (And being able to navigate parenthood with my best friend/husband makes it even better.)

2. I have enough experience with money & saving to know that I may never retire. Or pay off my student loans. No, just kidding, I will (probably). But, whoa, finances after college – a real life lesson for this one. Ignorance was bliss, but it's somehow also super liberating to actually (sort of) understand personal finance. (and I have more to learn!)

3. I know what I’m good at and aware of what I still need to improve upon. I’d like to think that I'm nice, I have a decent sense of humor & I can sleep basically anytime of day. I'm also hard-working & have a very friendly phone voice. (I’m also impatient, often running late, indecisive, a teeny bit anxious & overly critical, so I'm still working on those, but you get the idea...) While I don't feel it necessary to define exactly who or what I am all the time, I think knowing that I will change is a part of identity and getting older as much as anything else. I also think this helps me balance out in some way. Like I mentioned in #1, I love being a mom, but I can also admit that I cannot keep a house plant alive for longer than two weeks and have never owned a real pet as an adult. I think that while I'll still keep trying to have fern plant in my living room, I'm okay keeping a few faux greens around. (Fake it 'til you make it, right?)

4. I’m much less annoying now when I drink too much. I also drink too much, much less often. (Thanks hangovers!)

5. I understand my parents significantly more than I ever have before, but I also sort of feel like a kid who doesn’t want to take any advice because I’m figuring it out on my own. Someday I’ll learn to just listen. It will not be today apparently.

6. I have some really nice things that I will be able to keep for a long time. I also still feel okay about shopping (a lot) at Forever 21 or occasionally in the kids section at Target (should probably feel less okay about this second part, but whatever...).

7. I get why thank you notes are important. Expressing gratitude is just so amazing for both the giver and the recipient. I love telling people that I appreciate their effort and I equally love it when people say that to me. Taking time to help others or going above & beyond to make something easier/more fun/extra special should receive a shout out, even if its not necessarily required or expected.

8. I know how to fold a fitted sheet. No, just kidding. I’m not a super human. But I do my own laundry and less of it gets ruined now than before. And I've learned to just skip over items that are dry clean only (at least 95% of the time), because if i'm honest with myself, I know that going to the dry cleaner just isn't going to happen. Like ever.

9. I have worked in enough places & had enough jobs to know that you should tip your waiter, refold the sweater at the store (even if you don't really know how) and send in the tissues to your kid's classroom. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Understand that working with others can be stressful and unsatisfying and a place where people feel like they can be incredibly rude to others. I always think about this quote that says, "Your mood should not dictate your manners." So often it seems like people think it is acceptable to be a jerk to others when they're mad. It's really not.

10. I care about things. The world. The news. My community. It sounds terrible, but when I was younger, I was just so uninformed and apathetic. I just didn't see what I could do and I wasn't exactly sure which things mattered to me. While I still am uninformed, in some instances, I genuinely show interest & attempt to educate myself. Beyond that, I now feel that I am able to get involved with things that matter to me, whereas I didn't really feel as comfortable as I do now in committing to something with my time or money. I was always so concerned with how people viewed me and I was always nervous about making a bad impression or offending someone. (Somehow it feels like just having an opinion could offend someone...) Basically, I'm the kind of person who tries to avoid confrontation as much as possible. But, with so much more at stake (hello, having a baby & worrying constantly about their future - even at 2 years old) and without that looming sense of judgement that comes with some of the temporaries/uncertainties of your life that wither away with time, I feel more actively engaged and a part of the world that I live in, even if it is just in small ways. I feel more compelled to make a commitment to bettering the world my child will grow up in and learn from.

So with all these things to reflect on, I find myself thinking that maybe thirty isn't (wasn't?) so bad. I think that this whole getting older thing is maybe not as terrifying or as daunting as I had initially thought it would (or should) be. Just a year passed and I'm looking forward to many more moments to be thankful for, to the new lessons to be learned (both the easy & the hard ones) and to still hold onto all the good things that have come (so far) with age.

Here I am being thirty-one & contemplative. (Taken on the way to an early dinner) — Here I am being thirty-one & contemplative. (Taken on the way to an early dinner)

What are your favorite things about getting older? Share below!